November 10, 2008

Feed back for Jackie!

Hey Jackie- It’s an interesting idea for a poem and you wrote it very well, and in the spirit of team spirit I thought id try some feedback.. don’t feel obligated to change a thing.. also, if I interpret lines a little differently than you wrote them, than that’s the beauty of it.  it’s just what your words meant to me.

Genetic Inheritance - Jackie

 Don’t pretend that you understand the human brain,

The human body, the family body

My family’s body, my family’s brains,     I really like this beginning, very cool

My brain                                                   What exactly do you want to say with this repetition?  I get a “Don’t think you know what I’m thinking/can read my mind because you don’t/cant ” 

My brain                           

My brain

I don’t question your bad back, your weak knees, your clogged pores   I like clogged pores, I don’t picture a peer with a bad back or weak knees though.. who are you addressing?

My genetic inheritance is just a little less tangible than yours

sometimes I feel like stigma around my doors keeps them closed but

This is not a lifestyle I chose     tell us about this lifestyle

I cant, always be in control of the ways that I feel

The intensity of which haven’t always fully understood

But I can tell you that a lifetime of living with myself

Has taught me more about it than you ever could

‘cuz you just learned how to swim think you understand my fears           cool line… I interpret this as this person is new in your life and they try to understand your brain your brain your brain when you’ve been living with it for years, and you don’t even know exactly but you know more than them

when I have been living under this water for years

do you really think that all those churlish words you deliver

haven’t now before and then again been considered       I love this line

I’ve got

shadows sewn to my heels that follow me daunting

got a           very cool way to do this, a well defined pause when you read this could be really cool.. I honestly cant recall if you did

Hole in my head that leave my heart wanting

But my shadows and holes, I don’t let them define me

They just, add their weight as they drag on behind me                       this is just sick

I firmly believe that the struggle makes me strong

So I can stand here singing this silken birdsong            9 out of ten people don’t know what a silken bird is, other than something that is probably fun to eat… sorry if im just uncultured.  Context clues sorta do the trick though

I got my setraline, I got my SSRI’s    no clue about these 2 things

I’ve got what light connects the only world I know to my eyes   nice little concept here

So come on tell me you know, so tell me you need,

Come on and tell me things I feel are feelings needlessly freed

Bring me back from bloom until I’m smaller than seed

Deprive me of the nutrients on which I must feed               

Forget me in the soil and then leave me alone                   

Because I’m already planted, and I’ve already grown,    This is cool, but something about it throws me a little off.  i think its “because im already planted.”   Maybe “Ive been planted before?”  I just get the feeling that you are already planted and grown.. but as a seed would still be helpless.  The next line “Ive faced the sun…”  corrects this but I didn’t get it until I looked at it on paper        

I’ve faced the sun without you and I managed just fine,

So you take your inheritance, and I’ll stick to mine.               Great ending, great poem.. cool

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